Saturday, April 2, 2011

Time for a Federal Banquet. What's for supper?

Don't worry, you didn't actually want salad anyway.

$300 Million gets us 308 seats at the Federal Banquet. That's almost $1 million per seat, so choose carefully. Since you are what you elect, this will determine the health and disposition of your country for a while.
On the menu this spring we have the new demi-glazed carrots, fresh greens picked from this May, the block of 'Two-step' strident French cheese, the big magnate chef's liberally mashed potatoes with gravy, and the conservatively prorogued blue steak, marinated in oil and contempted in well fertilized mushrooms.
If you were in the mood to decide between Elephant and Donkey, or had a hankering for Chinese or Italian, you'll have to pick another restaurant. This is what we serve here in Canada.
The question you do get to answer is how much of each you'd like everyone to have. Everyone gets the same thing, though some ingredients are better for some than for others.
The whine and crackers we get for six weeks worth of appetizers are already out.
Now the steak will tell you it needs to own the whole show and is warning you away from the tasty poutine you get when you mix the potatoes and gravy and the cheese together.
It feels macho to order the blue steak with extra mushrooms, but your sociologist has been harpering that too much blue meat isn't good for your heartland.
Everyone gets some carrots for colour, but they're always late on the left side of the plate. They're good for you, but nobody wants just carrots.
The fresh greens may be good for you, and they've put together a substantial and filling dish, but if nobody orders them they'll remain just a side salad.
In enjoying this banquet, you have the option to pair with whine from the media outlet of your choice, but it won't change the food at all.
They've reviewed the meal in advance, and the whine you choose will influence, to a large degree, how you enjoy the meal.
As it turns out, the whine doesn't go well with the salad, and there's a conspiracy to keep the fresh greens off the televised discussion of the menu. Although about 1 in 15 wanted it, it wasn't enough to make it onto the dinner plate during Federal Banquet 2008.
All governments have a best before date. There's no way of knowing how long this next sitting will last. Sooner or later, whether it's blue steak with mushrooms, or poutine & carrots with a side of greens, eventually it will be time for another banquet, and we can all order pretty much the same thing all over again.
Bon app├ętit. You're on your own for dessert and hangover cures.
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